(We begin in the cafeteria. As kids pick their lunches, Randall enters the scene with a tape recorder in his hand.)
Randall Weems: February 17th, undercover observations for Ms. Finster, tape 93.
Dave: So what do you think, Sam? Should we dig into tunnel 32A or maybe take a nice burrow 14C?
Sam: I don’t know, Dave. Last time, we…
Dave: Ix-nay! Andall-ray!
(The diggers take notice of Randall and pause their conversation. As they walk over to their table, Randy grunts in frustration.)
Ashley A: So then, like, Hillary goes “Really?” And then, like, I go “As if”, and she’s all totally not even.
Ashley Q: Uh, Ashley A?
A: Eww, it’s Randall.
Q: Get out of here, you little snitch!
All four Ashleys: Loser!
(Randy gets frustrated even more. He then gets an idea and sees our mane six at their table.)
Spinelli: So I assessed to Joey, “That’s Mister Girly to you”, and I let him have it! (Punches the air) Pow! (She and the others laugh)
(Spinelli’s story comes to a stop when she notices Randall’s tape recorder underneath the table. She grabs him by the arm.)
Spinelli: Hey, look what I found, a spy, and he’s wired for sound.
(Spinelli grabs the tape recorder and stomps it flat, destroying it in the process)
Randall: Hey!
(Randall gets shoved aside by Spinelli)
Spinelli: Scram, you little monkey booger!
(As Randall gets back up, his beeper goes off. It’s from Ms. Finster who is present on the cafeteria mezzanine. Worried, Randall goes up the stairs for their one-on-one.)
Ms. Finster: What have you got for me today, Randall?
Randall: (pulls out notepad) Well, uh, Hector Gecco made himself throw up to get out of his spelling quiz, and, uh, I saw Shirley Benson spit on Principal Prickly’s car.
Finster: That’s it? (beat) I expected more from you, Randall. Perhaps you’ve lost your touch.
Randall: No, Ms. Finster! It’s just that…
Finster: I like you, Randall, but I can’t afford any dead weight in my organization. Maybe we should talk about your retirement.
Randall: (pleading) No! Not that! Please, Miss Finster, give me one more chance!
Finster: Young Douglas over there shows potential.
Randall: (still pleading) I can do better, I know I can! Give me another chance and I’ll dig up some real dirt!
Finster: Well, if it means that much to you, I’ll give you one more chance. (sternly now) But this time, you better not let me down.
(Randall agrees to this. Later, in a room labeled “Permanent records”, he blows the dust off the roof of a filing cabinet and opens one of the drawers.)
Randall: Let’s see… (scrolling through the files) PeeWee Raitano has webbed toes, Kenny Sapperskins is a bed wetter, Spinelli?! No, it can’t be! (evilly) This is way too good for Finster. Why, with dirt like this, I could… dare I say it… rule the playground! (laughs)
(Now during recess, a tetherball game is in progress. Spinelli’s turn to face her opponent is next, but Randall jumps in front of her.)
Spinelli: Hey! No cuts, worm breath! What do you got, crayons in your ears? Get to the end of the line before I show you the end of my fist!
Randall: I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Spinelli. We wouldn’t want everyone knowing your little secret, would we?
Spinelli: (grabbing Randall by the back of his shirt) Get out of here, you little…
Randall: I know your name, Spinelli. Your first name.
(Spinelli’s eyes widen upon hearing that. She lets Randall go.)
Spinelli: (nervously chuckling) Sorry I messed up your shirt there, Randall. Did I say it was a nice shirt?
Randall: Nice try, Spinelli, but it’s not gonna work.
Spinelli: Come on, Randall, old buddy, old pal. You don’t have to tell anybody.
Randall: Why shouldn’t I? You’ve never done anything for me.
Spinelli: I’ll do whatever you want. Just please don’t tell anyone my name, please.
Randall: Well, if it means that much to you, there is a thing or two you could do.
Spinelli: Anything. Name it.
Randall: My homework, every night for the rest of the year.
Spinelli: Agreed.
Randall: Also, from now on, you must refer to me as His Supreme Most Honorable Lord Randall.
Spinelli: What?! (sees Randy with a menacing grin, now siding with him) Okay, done.
Randall: Which brings us to items three through twenty-seven (unravels a scroll)
Spinelli: (ticked off) Twenty-seven?!
(Finally had it, Spinelli tackles Randall and pins him to the ground. The other students surround the two, but TJ and Vince break up the fight by grabbing their friend by the arms. Randall gets up from the ground.)
Randall: I’ll get you for this, Ashley Spinelli!
(Uh-oh! Spinelli’s first name is revealed in front of the whole playground much to her horror. The other students clamor about this.)
Spinelli: (trying to convince the others) Don’t listen to him! He’s lying!
Randall: Oh yeah? Well, explain this!
(Randall slides Spinelli’s folder down the pavement. The other students burst into laughter.)
Spinelli: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Later, Spinelli kicks some “Ashley” writing off the sand)
Spinelli: Ashley, Ashley, Ashley! Why did my name have to be Ashley?
Mikey: Oh, it’s not that bad. I mean, would not a Spinelli by any other name punch as hard?
Gus: Mikey’s right. After all, it’s just a name.
Spinelli: Ashley isn’t just a name. It’s a curse!
Gretchen: Well, perhaps that you hate it so much, you should have it changed.
Spinelli: I can’t do that. I was named after my great aunt Ashley, the first woman to win the Ididerod. I never met her, but she’s a family hero. Besides, it’s not that I hate the name Ashley. It’s just that… well, for as long as I can remember, every other girl named Ashley has always been… one of them! (Points to the Ashleys) Snotty, prissy, and a member of their stupid, snotty, prissy club.
Gus: So?
Spinelli: So, now that everybody knows my name, I’m gonna have to join their stupid club, and wear makeup, and play dollies, and drink (cringes) tea!
(The other five laugh it off)
Spinelli: What’s so funny?
TJ: Oh, nothing. It’s just… the Ashleys wouldn’t let you join their club if they paid you a million bucks!
Gus: Yeah. The Ashleys hate your guts!
Spinelli: (now calm again) Aww, guys, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. Yeah, what am I so worried about? They can’t do anything to me, right?
(Now, we go to the Ashleys having tea by the jungle gym)
Ashley T: This is, like, a major tragedy.
Q: That creature, an Ashley? How could it be? I mean, just look at her hair. She doesn’t even mousse.
T: All these years of primping and blow drying the Ashleys named perfection, and now this? It’s a disgrace!
A: Girls, we have to do something.
Q: Like what, Ashley A?
A: I’m afraid our only choice is to make Spinelli into… one of us.
The others: Eww!
A: What choices do we have, Ashleys? I mean, if we let her go around being her crude, disgusting “Spinelli” self, the name Ashley will be ruined forever. No longer will it stand for beauty and specialness. Soon, other girls will be considered cooler than us, and if we’re not careful, by the time we’re in junior high, our first dates will be with guys named… Paul or Joe!
(Ashley B screams in fear)
A: Ashleys, we have no choice. We must make Spinelli into one of us. It’s like… the only way.
(The gang is playing tetherball and the Ashleys step in)
Spinelli: What do you want?
Ashley A: I, Ashley A, invite you, Ashley S, to be our new sister. (The others applaud)
Spinelli: (scoffs) Yeah, right. Send in the clowns, Powderpuff.
Ashley B: Actually, Ashley S, you don’t, like, have a choice.
Spinelli: Like what?
Ashley A:
Gretchen: Or
Gretchen smiles and winks at her.